Today my inner child is so distressed, lost, lonely and hurt, the adult in me and my wisdom say’s things will be fine and to get on with life. It seems I am fighting a battle within myself not only to remain calm and relaxed but to stop myself from spiraling out of control. The more I reflect on the last few months of my life the more I see that I’m having a mental breakdown and I don’t know if anyone sees it but me. Do they see the pain in my eyes, the shaking, sweating and panic attacks, the vast amount of tissue I use, my isolation, falling away from everyone and closing off, the way that I haven’t shaved my legs in a while (I wax), purely because I can’t bare the temptation of self-harm again?
I have so much to be grateful for and I am so blessed in so many ways, the other side is broken and scarred by all the distress and heartbreak over my life. I am an addict to my own pain, I don’t want it and I know it is bad for me but it’s the only state I’m familiar with and know how to be is in a sense of crisis. When I first tried to kill myself, I didn’t do it for attention. I wanted to die. I didn’t realize that I hadn’t taken enough, I was 14. Since then I have tried hanging myself and overdosing, both thankfully and unthankfully unsuccessful. When you take that step to end your own life, you’re giving up on life, giving up on your future and who you may love or ever be loved by. When I chose to try and end my life I was willing to give it all up when you get to that stage and don’t receive the mental medical help you need, for me I feel like I’ve never come back from that place only tipped closer off the edge, until I fall and attempt suicide again or tip back and dangle by a thread for a few more years.
I don’t have anyone to talk to about this, I’m so grateful that this is here, it can’t talk back but It’s somewhere, somewhere I don’t feel so alone and I can put down all my negative and hurtful feelings away and work through some hard shit!
P.S- also the images I use in all of my posts are not mine, I did not create them or own them, I find all my images on google and if the owners or who ever want me to take them down I will. Thank you (: