Lost…somewhere….

Today my inner child is so distressed, lost, lonely and hurt, the adult in me and my wisdom say’s things will be fine and to get on with life. It seems I am fighting a battle within myself not only to remain calm and relaxed but to stop myself from spiraling out of control. The more I reflect on the last few months of my life the more I see that I’m having a mental breakdown and I don’t know if anyone sees it but me. Do they see the pain in my eyes, the shaking, sweating and panic attacks, the vast amount of tissue I use, my isolation, falling away from everyone and closing off, the way that I haven’t shaved my legs in a while (I wax), purely because I can’t bare the temptation of self-harm again?

I have so much to be grateful for and I am so blessed in so many ways, the other side is broken and scarred by all the distress and heartbreak over my life. I am an addict to my own pain, I don’t want it and I know it is bad for me but it’s the only state I’m familiar with and know how to be is in a sense of crisis. When I first tried to kill myself, I didn’t do it for attention. I  wanted to die. I didn’t realize that I hadn’t taken enough, I was 14. Since then I have tried hanging myself and overdosing, both thankfully and unthankfully unsuccessful. When you take that step to end your own life, you’re giving up on life, giving up on your future and who you may love or ever be loved by. When I chose to try and end my life I was willing to give it all up when you get to that stage and don’t receive the mental medical help you need, for me I feel like I’ve never come back from that place only tipped closer off the edge, until I fall and attempt suicide again or tip back and dangle by a thread for a few more years.

I don’t have anyone to talk to about this, I’m so grateful that this is here, it can’t talk back but It’s somewhere, somewhere I don’t feel so alone and I can put down all my negative and hurtful feelings away and work through some hard shit!

P.S- also the images I use in all of my posts are not mine, I did not create them or own them, I find all my images on google and if the owners or who ever want me to take them down I will. Thank you (:

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There are no spectators for my sport…

I feel like most days my life is like the Truman show; the one with Jim Carey and the whole world is watching his life, as he grows up and makes mistakes. Myself, of course, is totally unimportant, I don’t do, act or say anything moderately important or special. I feel I am that person that can sink into the water and not come back just float away and maybe only my mum and brother would probably stop to mourn me.
Despite my negativity in these posts, I am (In all honesty) a positive, kind, caring person. I have always tried to live my life with a sense of compassion, sacrifice and to try love other unconditionally, I have given my everything to so many. Before that wasn’t too much of an issue I seem to tap into an abundance of trust, compassion, love…etc. I am now in every way empty….hallow…numb. I know I’m depressed, I know my suicidal thoughts have gotten the better of me and I know that the super glue of my positivity just can handle or hold the cracks together anymore.
I don’t have any close friends anymore, some of my family have pushed me out/ just don’t care, my financial situation is a disaster, I don’t have a job, I feel like I don’t have myself, my physical health is bad after the operation from the ectopic pregnancy (also only have a low chance of ever having a child naturally), I’m in pain a lot and can’t really eat much or do much and I’m catatonically depressed…I used to have so much I didn’t see the pain through the forest of love and friendship, now I have two tree’s and one of them is dying and crumbling away into dust in the dry desolate desert that is now my soul.
I’ve been asking myself a question which I never have before, what’s the point in having friends? what’s the point in having a family? what’s the point in anything anymore?…..who am I even living for? myself? my friends, family, my future?
All I have ever gotten is pain, hatred, jealousy, bullying etc. All I ever wanted to do was love someone unconditionally and be loved in return and not be lied to, manipulated and cheated on, that goes for every relationship in my life. I don’t want to be alive anymore, It just doesn’t feel the same as it did before…I feel like I’m suffocating in a glass jar and all I can do is watch the world go by and everything that makes me, myself dies. I couldn’t do that to any of my two tree’s though, unfortunately, I love them too much and unconditionally to ever hurt anyone in that way, so I guess I will carry on just drying up until the rains come again and restore me or wash me away…

 

Thanks for letting me rant and vent to whom ever out there, I explore some pretty dark things and emotions but I have no other outlet no other connections in my life, I really do need this.

Pigs

I’ve decided to write a novel on pigs who have human babies, it’s gunna be cool I swear, Go solent green and Stephen King feels. Also I’ve I’m swearing of bacon.

Love y’all.

A collection of Poems I’ve written…

Love, my life; to you

An indelible mark that can’t be rubbed away,                                                                             Love will out live the words we say.

A courage and strength with sweetness and play,                                                                     Love will always light the way even on the darkest day.

A typhoon can’t wash my love astray,                                                                                           Love will always show me the way.

A meteor scorching from heavens that won’t fade,                                                                   Love will always set me ablaze.

To you my love; When your body is gone I will remember, the kiss you gave and the way you surrendered. You told me to love and never give up when you peacefully joined the angels above.

Death is only the begging

If I died would you care?
would you cry and stroke my lifeless hair?
is there sorrow in your voice?
will you understand my choice?
To end my life, to save myself
from this life, my living hell
I can not take the gruelling pain
I don’t want to forge my wings
to try and fly again
I am unimportant just a fragment in time,
I’ll be forgotten and so will my life
The sorrow and pain of loosing my mind.

The bad feelings

I wish I was a good person
I wish I could make you see
The reasons that I hate myself
Are the reasons why I can’t be free
I can’t be free from anger
From sorrow or from pain
I hurt myself all the time
I am always in pain

The truth about bastards and where not to find them

I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been in a really bad place with well….everything.

I wish more than anything I could just stop and grow into a tree and then if by chance I get cut down at least I can 100% say I had nothing to do with it, equally I hope to crush a bitch when my branches fall down. That my friends is passive aggressive, a piece of armour in my highly decorated suit of emotions.

Sooo let start from the beginning, the year is 2017 a.k.- worst year of my adult life.

I am set to Marry this amazing person he isn’t perfect but I love his imperfections non the less. For multiple reasons his family are, well to put it kindly aren’t happy, they promise many many things for our wedding, money, help etc… so after a super stressful process of trying to plan my wedding and pouring all my money into it, nearly having a nervous breakdown and feeling like a knew identify may be in order. I am hit with some pretty devastating  news. I ask myself even know, was this handled right the way in which this news was broken to me…?? oh no…becauseee people are bastards and it was a massive fucking mess. My whole world, my wedding, everything in my life was torn away. I stood strong against this tSUNAMI on my life crash and torn everything around inside me, I kept composure…even when I could of easily fallen apart. After this huge and massive thing I have lost two friends, messed around my family and alienated others. The trust in my relationship has been shattered and I feel like my life is on a downward spiral into death.

Scene 2; A fucking week after that I find out I’m pregnant! ( so at 14 years old I got pregnant with this fucking evil person who was horrible and spiteful and abusive, I was forced and emotionally blackmailed into having a termination). I was told by fertility people Endio doctors and Gynaecology that, “I’m sorry but due to your PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and testosterone levels there is low to no chance of becoming pregnant naturally”, I was devastated I was 18/19 when I found that out and it’s haunted me since then. So 2017 I get a positive pregnancy test, I only did this because of some weird dream and sore boobs. I was over the moon even with all the drama only a week before. Over the next four days I would experience pain, bleeding and multiple trips to the doctors. I found out that I had an ectopic pregnancy…..and that my fallopian tube had ruptured and I needed to be rushed in for surgery and have the tube removed meaning my fertility dropped by another 40% on top of my 0% due to my ovaries. GREAT. All the while having no friends, no family to support me apart from my mum and partner who tbh that was a mess also….

Act 3; I’m recovering from all that barring in mind I have BPD and OCD which is in mega flow right now screwing up my life and destroying what little soul I hate left, I have no anti-depressants no support from NHS doctors or counselling as the wait is a year or they can only offer me 2 months but have to wait 6 months. I am the definition of a mess and then my long lost half sister who I’ve never met contacts me wanting to meet up but then doesn’t show. I don’t have any friends left, I’ve either alienated them or pushed them away or they just don’t want me anymore, I only have my partner to talk to and still my relationship is up and down, I’m off Facebook and fags and tbh I’m suicidal and I’ve started self harming again.

I ask myself…..What is my life and will it ever get any better I am horrified and shocked at the fact that all of this could happen to me, is this even normal? I’m not an exciting person, I’m not special yet all these awful things keep happening to me throughout my life, life is hard enough for anyone without all of that going on. It’s why I’m hiding from the outside world, afraid they will see how ugly I and my life is.

maybe it’s life’s way of pushing me off the edge and telling me to surrender to how I feel…???

 

**Only thing getting me through is Kesha’s new Album Rainbow…it’s how I feel, please go and listen**

 

 

Things we loose…

Dear Best friend,

what did I do for you to stop loving me? I know why you stopped loving stuff around me but why me? It wasn’t me and I’m equally hurting….I mean heartbroken, sorry I’m used to pulling the punches when it comes to how I’m feeling to everyone.

For fuck sake I miss you, I feel like you’ve gone and died, you don’t want to come to my wedding (well when it was happening), be apart if I were to have a child, you haven’t been there for at all…..not at all, nothing, I have been contacting you, over and over. I should probably take the hint that you want our 10 year friendship just to come to an end. Before we bury it cold in the ground and that’s it and our lives go separate ways now and we just drift apart.

I wanted to tell you here, where you will never read it or find it how I feel about you; You are such a wonderful friend, you’re kind, smart, loving, caring, funny and I’m completely In love with you, I always have been. You’re my soul sister, you are my sanity, you make me feel complete and without you I’m going to have to learn to get used to feeling incomplete. You are one of my biggest supports and through the recent years I am down from 10 pillars of support to 2…I’m barely holding up/on. I dream about calling you and you being happy to hear my voice and you want to see me, so I text and all I get back is, “sorry, I’m busy”, constantly. I’m sorry that you’re busy with your life which yes I can imagine at the moment is hell and chaotic, It’s why I admire your bravery so much.

Unfortunately your also a serial blamer, we all do it but when you don’t want to talk to someone or don’t wanna see them you make excuses…and trust me it’s obvious, You started doing it to me as soon as I started dating J was there any reason, did you just not like him from the get-go,  In recent months I haven’t seen you since I got out of hospital, once, *claps hands*, well done for that, not that I didn’t need you there. What a joke I had just lost something, you personally knew that I had been desperate for and couldn’t wait, you knew! You walked away, all due because you didn’t like HIM…You’ve thrown away 10 years because of him, surely you can see past that and just be my friend it’s not easy but for fuck sake, am I not worth it too you!?

I miss you and love you dearly all you do is push me away and hurt me more, this hasn’t been all the time we used to see each other nearly everyday…? I know and I’m sorry about J.D.F Nan It’s horrible going threw that but I want to be here to support you and care for you, I can’t imagine how that feels to know you’re loosing someone in that way. You’ve grown into this cold person who just because I wasn’t there ONCE over something minor, You’re holding it against me and punishing me for over a year now! I’m sorry you told me “not to come over”, when you were sad when I was on a date even though I said I would. Yet you blame me…wtf!? I am sorry I wish I could take it all back…..I can equally be a shitty friend but I’m trying. You have given up on me and thats the hardest thing to accept the fact that you don’t care or love me anymore.

You’ve hurt me, you were my once in a lifetime friend, my best EVER friend and you don’t want that anymore, J.D.F always said it was like you being in a relationship with both of us…

I have friends yes but you are such a huge part of my life and I want that to continue, you’re my family S. I love you…

 

An Open Letter to one I love…

Dear Friend,

I’m sorry you can’t stand me anymore, I’m sorry that the friendship broke down because of my choices of who to love. You haven’t been a best friend though like you claim to be, you never liked the person who I chose to spend the rest of my life with from the start…let’s go back shall we. You called me upset when I was out for a meal and had a “small fight”, your words not mine with your partner, due to my singleness 4 weeks before I would of been there in a heartbeat put my life on hold, I asked you if you wanted me to see you if you wanted to come over but you said, “no I’ll be fine”, maybe I should of realised you needed me for comfort. Our friendship has always been more of a relationship, I gave you the support, care and love that you weren’t getting from your actual physical relationship. You blamed me and ever since then you never liked him, you didn’t even meet him you just didn’t like him. Now this, this gives you more reason to hate him and stand true in you’re beliefs that I should of met you that night. Why can’t everything just be okay? it’s not and it never will be you just seem to can’t stand me being happy or wanting to get married. We were suppose to be like sisters but now I’m an inconvenience to your life..

All the best

Dirty Laundry….

How do you stop the cycle of life……., rinse, wash, repeat? It feels like life can be a never ending downward spiral with moments of hope that push you up a few levels briefly before you start falling over and over again. The first time I tried to take my own life I was young, I didn’t understand it really, I just knew I wanted all the pain and hurt to stop. I’m older, I get it more, you can’t simply wish your life away you have to work at it every single day and find hope in the little things and the simple things to keep the train ticking on, What if I can’t? What if all I want that train to do is crash? When you live with emotional pain everyday is a personal hell. All I want to be is a kind, honest, simple, generous person, do I not show that? is it not obvious that I care so much and empathize with so many, for the first time since I was a child and couldn’t communicate properly I have never felt so misunderstood by everyone even the closest around me. I feel alone, alone emotionally, alone socially. People either care so much that what you say hurts them or they don’t really care at all, I can’t afford to pay someone to care nor will a national health service. “Crisis”, I’ve been that way my entire life, I’m so tired, because I care and love so passionately doing something drastic wouldn’t help this, I’d only be hurting everyone….again, I have no choice but to serenader and survive for others sake…funny thing is they make it all so much harder. If there was an infinite power and “things happen for a reason”, “I’m surviving for a bigger caller”, I don’t believe this, If someone gave me a choice I wouldn’t hesitate to jump…falling is easy…..I wouldn’t (of course) . I don’t accept it as an answer to my prayers, mental health is a battle, physical wounds heal mental ones unfortunately don’t subside so easily. I feel like a fly trapped in a room with no windows and I’m just suffocating…slowly and endlessly. What I’m trying to say is I need to find my own reasons to fight, not for others sake but just for my own life, I don’t have any cheerleaders or father like figures to come to my rescue, I have myself ,I won’t turn into one of those bitter people who blame the world for their problems, I just wish I was more of a person to fight for, I’m talentless and some days I know in my heart I am just a waste…..just wish I could find my fight, right know I’m ready to throw in the towel.

Part 1-

My earliest memories are sad ones. Mental health issues have been at the forefront of nearly all life choices, who I was with, who my friends were, who I loved, who loved me, school etc…Being a child is hard, being a child with depression or anything….well I don’t know how I’m still able to smile, I do though, everyday, even if I don’t want to I smile, I think i’ve tricked myself that if I smile at least once a day then there is still a point to life that I’m not as fragile and I feel. More than once I’ve felt like my guts and heart are going to fall out of my chest and I’m going to rip apart, that my life is just two tectonic plates constantly in a state of colliding causing massive earth quakes throughout my life. I wouldn’t change my childhood for anything no matter how dysfunctional it was or how I feel like I’m paying for the sins of a 7 year old as an adult. I miss sitting at the bottom of my garden, under this tree that I used to climb and pretend I was living in the jungle and that my animals would just raise me like Jungle Book and I wouldn’t have to see any other human ever again, that small memory and hope got me through….it’s definitely all about the little things……..

Random luck or Greater Plan?

For a long time I have believed that there is a reason for everything, For love, life, hope, happiness, sadness etc.. recently I felt this part of myself changed….the reason for the change is a long story but we will get into that a little later on, this isn’t about the issue so much as the thinking and ideas that spouted from it. So do thing just happen for a reason? or is it random luck? does the way we live and treat people effect some kind of karmic energy that gives us bad things in return for our “bad actions”, who makes the rules? When a child dies of Cancer or Someone who has never smoked and lived a moderate healthy lifestyle just drops down dead?…. is that the universe punishing them? Teaching their friends that life is precious or is it all just the luck of the draw and no matter how hard we try to convince ourselves that everything we do, every small decision will effect our lives forever?…….well heres my opinion;  I believe we control so much of our lives which is powerful and sacred but I also have realised, “shit happens, for no reason”, yes it’s how we carry on from a hard set back but when someone shrinks this problem for you by saying, “Oh things happen for a reason”…..I’m calling bullshit on this you can’t put this on a higher power sometimes we just have to accept and love the fact that life is shit-amazing and unpredictable……comments would be helpful.